


Hurt

by ThKdsArntAlrght



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Break Up, Eating Disorders, F/M, Heavy Angst, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Making Up, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Self-Harm, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 06:38:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20652830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThKdsArntAlrght/pseuds/ThKdsArntAlrght
Summary: Mark Blackthorn is tired of living.-Pain had become his new normal. It was the high he craved and the comfort he chased. It kept him alive. Nothing else made him feel half as exhilarated anymore.





	Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> please don't read this if self-harm and eating disorders will trigger you! mentions will be graphic. this is a vent fic for myself and an it gets better fic too. self destruction is not beautiful. it is not aesthetic. it is just as it is stated. destruction. please read carefully. this fic will not shy away from the horrifying realities of e.d.s -magnus

_I hurt myself today_

Mark watched the blood run down his arms and smiled weakly. It was not his typical smile of joy, for he had none of that left. Cristina was marrying Diego and Kieran was far away in Faerie. 

_To see if I still feel_

He dug the blade in a little deeper, but did not hiss in pain. He was a Shadowhunter. He should feel no pain. Tears began to fall down like raindrops from the heavens, smearing the blood further.

_I focus on the pain_

The blonde was slightly aware that he had lost too much blood, but the world was spinning and no one was there to care, least of all his ex-lovers.

_The only thing that's real_

Pain had become his new normal. It was the high he craved and the comfort he chased. It kept him _alive_. Nothing else made him feel half as exhilarated anymore.

_The needle tears a hole_

Rather than using an _iratze_, Mark sewed up his deeper wounds slowly, but without care. No one saw his body anymore. He didn't have to be beautiful when he knew he'd die alone.

_The old familiar sting_

He thought perhaps if he were thinner again he'd be appealing to Kieran. Maybe if Kieran came back to him, Cristina would too.

_Try to kill it all away_

Some days he tried desperately to forget them. He thought of how easy life would be if he did not remember what it felt like to lose a lover.

_But I remember everything_

Every kiss. Every caress. Every embrace. It burned in his mind and weighed on his heart.

_What have I become_

In lieu of burning and cutting, Mark stopped eating. It was cleaner, easier to hide, and he could become thinner and worthier faster.

_My sweetest friend_

He prayed to Kieran and Cristina, still his angels even though they'd gone away. He had faith. They'd be back.

_Everyone I know_

He knew so many people that he couldn't remember them all. Some loved him. Some hated him. Regardless, he always treated them kindly. His siblings needed no more stress.

_Goes away in the end_

He had few friends, no parents, and no partners. For all intents and purposes, he was alone in the world. His chest ached and his vision grew blurry. From tears, nausea, or exhaustion he could not say. Everything hurt all the time.

_And you could have it all_

He began to shiver all the time and layer clothing. He did it subtly. Two thin t-shirts at once. Leggings under jeans. Then a hoodie overtop. Nothing was ever enough.

_My empire of dirt_

Fine hair started to cover his body. He was still cold. No amount of warmth was ever enough. It got significantly worse when the hair on his head began to fall out.

_I will let you down_

He knew it was sick to deprive himself food, but who was around to care? Cristina was making wedding plans. Kieran was back with the hunt. They lead different lives now. Did it matter if his was ending?

_I will make you hurt_

He felt weak constantly. Sometimes his knees or legs would give out and he would collapse and pray no one else was around. He blamed muscle spasms and distractions. His poor, sweet siblings never thought he could be telling half truths.

_I wear this crown of thorns_

He thought of Kieran and Cristina constantly. They kept him motivated to keep starving. He strove for perfection so they'd come back for him.

_Upon my liar's chair_

I'm fine. I ate already. I'm eating with friends. I'm not hungry. Lies, lies, lies. He began an excellent liar. He liked the burn that accompanied the lies.

_Full of broken thoughts_

He wished he was a mundane. He wished he could seek help. He wished he wasn't broken enough to need so much help or so many wishes.

_I cannot repair_

The dark thoughts never faded. His bones were brittle and so were the very foundations of the man called Mark Blackthorn from the inside out.

_Beneath the stains of time_

Time marched on. Julian had Emma. Ty had Kit. The others had friends. Mark was alone. The Hunters had long since left him be.

_The feelings disappear_

Love and despair fueled the fire of rage and self destruction. He didn't need anyone who didn't want him…..he couldn't. After all, they were not the type to come crawling back.

_You are someone else_

_His_ Cristina would've never married Diego. _His_ Kieran would've never rejoined the hunt. They'd changed too much.

_I am still right here_

So had he, but in the wrong ways. In the type of ways that we're killing him. He was definitely dying.

_What have I become_

It had been a long while since he had brought a blade to his skin, but the most recent cuts were still open. His body could no longer heal. It couldn't hold runes.

_My sweetest friend_

Starving hadn't made him thin and pretty. It'd made him weak. It made him look and feel like death. It made him smell of rot.

_Everyone I know_

His resistance to getting help shoved everyone away. They had the younger children to protect. They had duties in the Institute. If he was unwilling to seek help, then they could not help him. 

_Goes away in the end_

He had no one. He'd stopped answering Cristina's fire-calls. If she was not _his_, then he had no reason to. He'd stopped opening Kieran's letters. If he was not _his_, then he had no reason to.

_And you could have it all_

He'd done everything to have his lovers back. To be pretty. To be aesthetic. To be thin. It had left him feeling hollow physically and mentally. He was worn down.

_My empire of dirt_

Mark had nothing left. He cared for no one and nothing. His bones ached. His soul ached. He just wanted to lay down and give up.

_I will let you down_

The children were frightened of his new ghastly appearance. Diana wanted so badly to help. Julian and Emma's hearts were breaking for the older brother who had always supported them.

_I will make you hurt_

The day he began coughing up blood, he knew his days on Earth were growing numbered.

_If I could start again_

He prayed for his siblings, for Cristina, for Kieran, for Diana. Not for himself. No, never for himself. He wished them all new beginnings but a do-over was a kindness he knew he didn't deserve.

_A million miles away_

He could not run from who he was. He was too well known. He was too obvious. He was one of the half-fae Blackthorns and he didn't know how Helen did it. He wasn't strong enough.

_I will keep myself_

His hair was gone, his skin was gray, and his body was always cold. 

_I would find a way_

Mark Blackthorn no longer wanted Kieran and Cristina Mendoza Rosales back. He just wanted himself.

_ **It was too late.** _


End file.
